'Fantasy Island' meets 'Love Boat' in designing

[Jason]

Spud Hilton, San Francisco Chronicle

A few months ago, the folks at Celebrity Cruises did something a little foolish -- they asked passengers what they think, which is akin to strolling up to a UFO fanatic and saying, "That Roswell thing sure was something, huh?"

Being a past Celebrity customer, I received an e-mail invitation to be on their customer survey panel, to answer questions from time to time about what would make their voyages more interesting, their ship names catchier, their service more, um, service-like, and their pillow mints mintier. Or something like that.

I eagerly registered online and logged into their Web survey -- something about famous chefs and the Galapagos Islands, though I can't remember if the two were related. Like a child slogging through the socks and sweaters on Christmas Day to get to the really good stuff, I breezed through the multiple choice and yes-no questions ("Should there be a new Grammy Awards category just for bands on Celebrity ships?" and "So, just how much do you dislike Carnival Cruise Line?"), waiting for my opening.

Finally, it came -- an essay question: "Briefly, tell us what you would do to improve the cruise experience."

Jackpot. This was my SimCity moment, not just for Celebrity, but for cruises as a whole. For those unfamiliar with Sim computer games, you can, within your own little cyber world, build and operate an entire city, golf course or amusement park exactly the way you want it. You pick the number of loops in the roller coaster, the size and frequency of sand traps and the number and shape of freeway off-ramps.

So why, in the name of Poseidon, is there no SimCruise Ship? It's a natural. Change the number of decks, paint racing stripes and flames on the side, replace some of the elevators with rock-climbing walls or offer Jell-O carving demonstrations on the Lido Deck. (For the record, game maker Activision sells Cruise Ship Tycoon, but it's more about daily operations than design and there's no mention of Jell-O sculptures.)

Maybe I think a Sim cruise game is a good idea because I know exactly how I'd build my cruise ship. Granted, some of these ideas may be thinking too far outside the hull, but hey, it's my ship.

Combination skeet-driving range: One guy tees up and smacks a golf ball off the back of the ship, the other guy blasts it before it reaches the water. (Saves having sea-caddies shag balls all day.)

Air shuffle board: Take the same technology used in air-hockey tables (essentially, air) and put it into the promenade deck. On the longest ship afloat, the Queen Mary 2, you could make the court for shuffle boarders at least 900 feet long -- just in case aiming a sliding disc on the high seas isn't challenging enough.

Gyroscopically self-leveling beds: On their Radiance-class ships, Royal Caribbean has pool tables that, despite the rocking of the sea, stay level. Word has it that, when the Radiance of the Seas crossed a particularly choppy North Atlantic before its maiden voyage, a few workers onboard slept on the pool tables to avoid seasickness. OK, so maybe not in every cabin, but the beds could be a popular option. ("Yes, I'd like a nonsmoking, nonrocking cabin, please.")

Televised casino action: Buying into the popularity explosion of televised poker on ESPN and the Travel Channel, why not show poker tournaments from the casino on the in-house programming? Can't be any worse than some of the stuff they show now.

People-mover hallways: Sure, elevators are nice for vertical navigation, but how many times have you been in your best evening wear at the end of the night, had a couple more mai tais than the FDA-required minimum and found you're three football fields from your door? Some ships these days are as long as airport terminals.

Mexican and Chinese food: You'd think ships that have crew members representing 50-plus countries would have somebody who knows how to make a pollo asado burrito or a plate of mu shu pork. Alas, I've never seen it.

Digital deck chairs: Slide your room ID card into the slot on the arm, and the chair remembers your settings for angle of recline, music on the headrest speakers, positioning to the sun and, if tied into the bar, what you'll be drinking. What good is high-speed technology if you can't use it to get completely inert?

Duty-free-free zones: Classes and enrichment seminars that have absolutely nothing to do with goods or services being sold on board. Going to Mexico? Learn about the Aztec and Maya cultures, not just how to buy silver- and-turquoise jewelry at the Gold-by-the-Inch Shop onboard.

Destination by ballot: Take a cue from Windjammer Barefoot and publish itinerary options, but instead of having the captain decide, let the passengers cast votes on where they want to go. Isla Margarita, here we come - - the tribe has spoken.

PDAs for rent: Lease out Palm handhelds or Pocket PCs that come with the schedule for the entire cruise, programmable event reminders, a map of the ship, access to a music library, software to download vacation photos and a lyrics library so you can brush up your karaoke before dinner. If not PDAs, at least install plenty of kiosks that perform some or all of these functions -- especially the karaoke thing.

U-Steer program: Raffle off the chance to be at the controls for an hour. It's a big ocean, what could go wrong?

If I ever get to design this ship, naming it would be easy -- that is, of course, if Carnival hadn't already taken the name Fantasy.

[DaCruzNut]

Jason!

Have you tried "Cruise Ship Tycoon?"

It's a lot of fun; some difficult decisions; and, often, frustrating....

I think it's about as close as we will get, with this type of program. Although, it would be nice to have a SimShip...

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Activision Value has announced the release of Cruise Ship Tycoon for the PC. The game features three different gameplay modes, and it requires players to establish a mighty cruise ship empire by ensuring that guests have a good time, employees are satisfied, and that the luxury liners in the fleet are both modern and seaworthy.

"Cruise Ship Tycoon combines the most popular and well-liked aspects of tycoon/simulation games with new design elements custom-tailored to the cruise industry," said Patrick Kelly, vice president of studios, Activision Value Publishing. "From hiring the crew and entertaining the guests to making sure the ship is in top condition, it's up to gamers to keep their boat afloat."

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P.S.

I LOVE your 'people-mover' idea. It would be especially useful on the Nowray, if she'e ever put back in service. Actually, the ships should install Wonka-vators! Step on and say, "Aft, please..." :grin: