A SEA OF MEMORIES - Parts 15 & 16

[DaCruzNut]

15 - PEOPLE WITH NO NAMES

Copyright © 2004-Jeffrey R. Stern

All Rights Reserved

In addition to the “Wine Lady,†there are a number of fellow-passengers I have encountered, aboard ships, who have made an unforgettable impression on me, yet I have no idea what their names are. I either never knew their names, or just in no way cared to remember them. People with no names.

Actually, that isn’t exactly true. I have given these people their own singular names, in order to have a point of identification when I bring to mind the incidents surrounding these particularly memorable travel companions.

I am sure that you will recognize some of them, as they have a way of materializing on almost every cruise.

One, in particular, truly stands out; “The Parisian.â€Â

On the first night of one particular cruise, I was seated, for dinner, at a table for eight. One of the couples was from Paris, and, for most of the meal, we all seemed to get along well. The conversation was light, as most first-nighters are, but interesting and enjoyable.

At one point, we were discussing Miami, my home town, and the subject of “bilingualism†came up. I explained that we very often make use of “Spanglish,†obviously a mix of Spanish and English.

Our gentleman, friend from France, suddenly went into this serious discussion about how, “…this sort of thing, this mix, can never happen in France. We have laws to protect our language…. French is a beautiful language, and we have to protect it against being corrupted by English, and other languages…Why, if you have a sign on a store, in France, the sign MUST be in French. If you want to put an English translation, and the French is so-many centimeters, then the English must be one-quarter the centimeters…â€Â

I was totally confused. I could not make any sense of what this man was saying. Of course, I never did understand metrics, and have no idea what a centimeter is. But, I did get the idea, and I knew he was spouting anti-American crap.

I wasn’t the only one who realized this. As “The Parisian†went on-and-on, I noticed one of the other men at the table doing a slow burn. You could see him squirming, just ever so much, and his face took on just a tinge of red. After several minutes of listening to “The Parisian’s†tirade, my fellow passenger turned to him and, in a quiet, but firm tone, said, “Excuse me, Sir, but don’t you realize that, twice in this century, if it weren’t for us you &^%(^0’ers would be speaking German?â€Â

The rest of as laughed, at first, and then had a “patriotic discussion†with “Mr. Parisian,â€Â

showing the best of our nationalism and pride.

It was no surprise to us that our friend, and his wife, never appeared at our table, again, for the entire cruise. However, a positive circumstance came out of all of this. We three remaining couples had formed a bond that lasted for the rest of the cruise. We became good shipboard friends, and enjoyed each others’ company for the full seven days..

It was during embarkation on one particular cruise that we met the “Linebusters.†As we all waited, patiently, to have our Welcome Aboard photo taken, prior to boarding the ship, Mr. And Mrs,. Linebuster worked their way towards the front of the line, along the wall. Passing those that were waiting patiently, the Linebusters made their way past the crowd and to the head of the line. I would imagine that they thought they were being very clever, and that nobody noticed. In actuality, we all noticed, but didn’t bother to say anything.

Our next encounter was a few days later, as I was eating breakfast at the buffet. The line was closed precisely at 10:30 am, as it was scheduled to do. A hostess was standing near the end of the line, advising late-arriving passengers that the buffet was closed, but breakfast would be available, poolside, until noon.

At about 10:40, Mr. and Mrs. Linebuster arrived and attempted to get onto the line. This, in and of itself, seemed to be monumental. Mr. Linebuster actually appearing to be willing to stand on a line! However, they were, shortly, going to show their true colors.

As they tried to get into line, the hostess informed them that it was closed. The Linebusters appeared to comply, and left the line, only to work their way towards the front in an attempt to cut the line and get their breakfast. Just as Mr. Linebuster had grabbed a plate, and was about to begin filling it, the hostess went over to him, and repeated that the buffet was closed, and he needed to go to the pool area if he wanted breakfast…

During the course of the week, I stumbled upon the Linebusters several times, each on with some negative association. Nothing major, or truly aggravating, but annoying just the same.

The final blow came at disembarkation. While the pink tags were called to leave the ship first, there were the Linebusters, with their blue tags, rushing off he ship with the first wave of passengers. Pushing and shoving their way to the front, one last time, in a hurry to go nowhere.

I usually take my time disembarking. I live close to the port, so what’s another few minutes? I let everyone else leave, and then work my way, leisurely, to the terminal to pick up my luggage, which is a lot easier to find when the warehouse is two-thirds empty.

This particular day, I left the ship about forty-five minutes after the initial group, and the Linebusters, had embarked. When I arrived at the warehouse, most of my fellow-passengers, and their luggage, were gone. There was one noticeable exception. There, with a security guard, were Mr. And Mrs. Linebuster. Apparently, one of their pieces of luggage had been misplaced, and couldn’t be found.

I would imagine that the Linecutters spent quite a bit more time until their luggage was found, if it ever was…. Perhaps, all the time they saved, during the entire cruise. A verification that, often, “what goes around, comes around.â€Â

Another favorite of mine was the Hogg family. Oh, you’ve seen them on a cruise, but I actually got to meet them on a personal basis.

Arriving poolside early, at about nine-fifteen one morning, I looked forward to a beautiful day at sea. It was the last day of a seven-night Western Caribbean cruise, and the weather had not been great during the first part of the cruise. All of the passengers were looking forward to a predicted gorgeous, sunny, day. Due to this fact, almost two-thirds of the poolside lounges were occupied, already.

As I looked for two empty lounges, I noticed four that had only towels, very neatly placed on them, which appeared to be “saved.†Of course, this is a no-no, as printed in the daily newsletter, announced often, and posted poolside. As we all know, very few lines actually “enforce†this rule, and a number of inconsiderate passenger, always see fit to “reserve†seats, both poolside and in the show lounge.

Luckily I was able to find two empty lounges in the second row, directly behind the four vacant chairs with the towels. I sat next to, and began a conversation, with another couple next to us.

About an hour later, at ten-thirty, or so, a couple walked by and asked if the four lounges were “taken.†I told them that the towels had been there for an hour, but I hadn’t seen any people. The couple next to us said that they had been there since eight-thirty, and had seen nobody.

The newly arrived couple went over to a pool attendant and told him what we had said. He came over and asked us if we had seen anyone using the four lounges. We all told him what we had told the young couple, the lounges had, indeed, been unused since before breakfast. Upon hearing this, the pool attendant removed the four towels and threw them into the towel hamper, whereupon the young couple placed their towels on two of the lounges, and got comfortable.

Of course, the remaining two lounges did not remain that way very long. Another couple came along, saw the two empty lounges, and made very good use of them.

It was after noon, approximately, twelve-thirty, that Mr. And Mrs. Hogg, and their two little Hogglets, arrived and the saga began. Mr. Hogg began talking to the two couples in the first row, and told them that he believed that they were in his chairs. The two couples explained that the lounges were, indeed, empty when they sat there. Mrs. Hogg placed her foot, not so gently, into her mouth as she started to yell, “My husband came up here a while ago and put four towels on these chairs!†How long ago, she was asked, since we all knew it had to be, at least, four hours.

As this was going on, a pool attendant came over to investigate the “trouble.†The situation was explained, and the attendant explained to The Hogg’s that it appeared that Mr. Hogg had placed the towels there, four hours earlier, and that doing so was improper, since so many people were eager to sit poolside. He went on to say that, after an hour, or so, the towels would normally be customarily removed by one of the attendants, as the lounge would be considered abandoned. This was more true if, as in this case, there were only towels on the chaise, and no personal belongings.

After some arguing, and bickering, the Hogg’s moved on, in a vain attempt to find a vacant lounge. Score one for the rule-following passengers.

Perhaps you think this little tale is done, but it isn’t quite finished yet. Those of us that remained had a good laugh when I reminded them that, not only had the Hogg family been thwarted in their sinister lounge-saving attempt, but, in addition, they would be charged twenty-two dollars for each of the four towels they “lost.â€Â

16 - DOES THE CRUISE DIRECTOR LIVE ON BOARD?

One of the most important members of the crew is the Cruise Director. He, or she, also has one of the most difficult jobs on board; keeping the passengers busy and happy, while creating onboard revenue for the cruise line.

The Cruise Director actually has several jobs.

Responsible for most of the activities on the ship, and making sure they are run on schedule, and properly. Who else could get you to stuff fruit down your bathing suit, trying to see how many pineapples can fit in a Speedo? Watch in awe as a block of ice is whittled into the shape of a dolphin? Get you to bet money on little wooden horses whose moves are controlled by three dice in a cage? Play Bingo, when it’s something you never do at home? And, when was the last time you whirled a hula hoop around your waist?

The Cruise Director is also responsible for the entire CD staff, which can consist of over a dozen people. The CD must train and supervise the entire staff, and make sure they properly carry out their duties.

But, it is as a performer that the Cruise Director must shine. Whether live, or over the P.A. system, the Cruise Director is, most of all, an entertainer! What would the “Newlywed, And Not-So-Newlywed Game†be without a good CD? And, what about “Talent Night?†Most of the time, the CD is the only ‘talent’ on the stage…

Who else could deliver the “Ten Stupidest Questions Passengers Ask,†that you’ve heard so many times, and still make you laugh?

If you’ve been on a cruise, you have probably heard a variation of “The Ten Dumbest Questions Passengers Ask.†Every cruise director has their own personal favorites, for this list, and there are slightly more than ten. Sometimes, they are a simple, self-explanatory questions, and, sometimes, they involve a situation. Many cruise directors also have a list of replies they do, or would like to, respond with.

The questions which follow, and the responses, if any, are among some of my favorites.

“Does the crew sleep on board, at night?â€Â

(“No, Ma’am, a helicopter lands on Lido deck and takes them home.â€Â

“Oh, that’s the noise that kept me up, all night.â€Â)

“So, that’s what all that noise was, last night…â€Â

“Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?â€Â

(“No, sir, you have to take the Wonkavator on the Empress Deck.â€Â)

“What religion are those people with the little pathes behind their ears?â€Â

(“I think they’re Apaches…â€Â)

“How do we know which photos are ours?â€Â

“What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?â€Â

“Do you have generators on board, in order to produce electricity?â€Â

(“No, Sir, we have a long extension cord that reaches back to Miami….â€Â

“Excuse me, but what altitude are we at?â€Â

“How long will the 30-minute massage take?â€Â

“Is the water in the pool fresh water or ocean water?â€Â

“It’s ocean water Ma’am.â€Â

“No wonder it’s so rough…â€Â

“Excuse me, does this stairway go up, or down?â€Â

“Does the water go all around that island?â€Â

“Will I get wet if I go snorkeling?â€Â

“I went over my liquor allowance, but drank it. Do I have to declare it with Customs?â€Â

From time to time, situations can be the source of humor.

Cruise Directors also have their own, personal, stories that they like to tell. And, like the “Dumbest Questions,†they usually swear that it actually happened to them, or someone they know.

A favorite of mine is that of a young honeymoon couple, who wanted everything to be perfect. They booked a beautiful suite, with a large balcony, and were looking forward to sitting and enjoying the view.

Immediately upon embarking, and prior to sailing, the young groom went to the Purser’s Desk, and was obviously very agitated. “May I help you?†asked the young Assistant Purser. “And how,†replied the groom, “I reserved a special suite, and paid a lot of money, for an oceanview, and all we have a view of is a parking lot!“

Let’s not forget the Port Lectures. Disguised as informative talks about the ports you are about to visit, and promising all sorts of inside information, these sales pitches result in a financial windfall for the cruise line. Every shop pays a hefty fee, each time the ship pulls into the particular port, whether the passengers actually visit the shop, or not. Therefore, it is the CD’s job to get as many of us as possible to visit. The CD uses a combination of charm, wit, humor and free t-shirts to accomplish this goal.

One final duty the Cruise Director has is to emcee the final Disembarkation Talk. During this lecture, the CD goes over the various things you will need to know when you disembark. The dialogue covers importation restrictions, baggage pick-up information, and a host of valuable things you will need to know. At some point, the CD comes to instructions as to how to complete the Customs Declarations Form. Almost all of the CD’s start with a line something to the effect of, “Now, folks, this is the most important part of my talk, the Customs Declarations Form. One form MUST be completed by the head of the household, so, ladies, listen carefully….â€Â

Being a successful Cruise Director means working a minimum of eighteen hours a day, seven days a week, in order to accomplish all of these tasks, and having to maintain a big smile and cheerful attitude, for a very, very, small salary.

Yet, they play such an important role. The best Cruise Directors can make all the difference in the cruise experience. Hit a few days of bad weather, or other unexpected

Disappointment, and you will know what I mean.

I have three particular favorites, whom I will always remember affectionately.

Of course, Shannon McKee, on the Norwegian Crown. I’ve already told you about her.

By the way, her Assistant Cruise Director, Soozy Atkins, was no slouch, and had the promise to be as good as her mentor.

Another favorite was. actually, he Assistant Cruise Director. The CD on my favorite ship, the Britanis, Tommy Van, was one of my least favorites. However, on many of our trips on her, the Assistant was Joyce Gleeson, was all the things that Tommy wasn’t. She more than made up for her ‘boss’s’ shortcomings, and made every cruise a pleasure.

Joyce ran the best damn poolside horse racing, ever!! Hands down. As you pulled away from the dock, in Miami, the frenzy began. The big sail-away party, with horse Racing as the main attraction. We’d all flock to the table, dollars clutched in our fists, scrambling to bet on a wooden horse, on a stick. Six numbered equines, with the strangest names you’ve ever heard. Most a bit “off color.â€Â

There was Joyce, standing with the mike in her hand, egging us on. Then, as one of the Cruise Director’s staffers twirled the chuck-a-luck cage, and the dive came to rest, Joyce would call out the numbers. As she did so, with her own special flair, the corresponding numbered horse was moved forward one space.

All the way down Government cut, past Star, Palm and Hibiscus Island; past the Fisher Island ferry, and, then, the island itself; and, finally, leaving South Beach behind, Joyce kept us all excited, laughing and, somewhat, poorer.

Rich Clesen, of “NCL fame,†was the absolute king of the “Dollar Wine.†Nobody could, “Gimme’ dollar, gimme’ dollar…†better than Rich! Actually, we had sailed with him a few times before he become the ‘Big Guy.’ It was on those cruises that we got to know, and love, him. So, you can imagine how thrilled we were when he med Head Honcho. This, however, led to a small disappointment. As the Cruise Director, he left the “Dollar Wine†to his Assistant. I was able to overcome this handicap by threatening, at the outset of the cruise, that I would give him, and his staff, “bad checkmarks†on my Comment Card, if he didn’t do it, at least once, during the cruise….

I guess I’ve been lucky; I have never had a bad Cruise Director. While the three I’ve talked about as “special,†were truly out of the ordinary, all of the rest did an excellent job, faced with the enormous task they had before them.

……………………………ââ

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……………………

(If you missed any of the preceding chapters, and wish to “catch up,†you can click on the links below….)

Part 1 – Introduction;

http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4349

Part 2 – Onto The Ship; Out To Sea

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4443]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4443

Part 3 – First, there’s The Food

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4395]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4395

Part 4 – Shooting The Dice

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4443]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4443

Part 5 – Places To Visit; People To See

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4459]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4459

Part 6 – Catching Cruise Fever

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4534]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4534

Part 7 – A Love Affair at Sea

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4578]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4578

Part 8 – Apollo Wasn’t Just A Greek God

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4604]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4604

Part 9 – Bon Voyage To A Real Lady

http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index....t=ST&f=2&t=4636

Part 10 – Olympus, To Caribe I, To rgale Empress

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4659]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4659

Part 11 – Dirty Dancing At Sea

[url=http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4691]http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4691

Part 12 – Dirty Dancing At Sea

http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index....t=ST&f=2&t=4705

Part 13 – This ‘n That Stuff

http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index....t=ST&f=2&t=4744

[Lisa63]

Thanks again, Jeff, for another wonderful installment. (And a double-dose this time. :smiley: ) I think I may have encountered the Hoggs on my cruises, too. They sure do get around.

Rich Clesen was our cruise director on SS Norway a few years ago. The very fact that I recall his name means that he was one of the better ones. Very personable. I missed out on the Dollar Wine, though.

[DaCruzNut]

I figured that, since I've been gone for awhile, I'd post two chapters.

When Rich was the Asst. CD, on the Leeward, the CD made him do the Dollar Wine. So, when he was made the CD, he stoppped doing it.....unless you asked!

[Mebert]

Hi DaCruzNut,

Thanks for reminding me of some of the fun and some of the characters encountered on the cruises I've taken.

[GottaCruz]

Jeff,

These are 2 of my favorite chapters. I also love the story of the Wine Lady. We've met some characters also on our cruises but you certainly know how to put it into words so eloquently. Thanks, Jeff, for posting these chapters. I really enjoyed reading them again. Hugs, Cheryl

[GottaCruz]

Jeff,

These are 2 of my favorite chapters. I also love the story of the Wine Lady. We've met some characters also on our cruises but you certainly know how to put it into words so eloquently. Thanks, Jeff, for posting these chapters. I really enjoyed reading them again. Hugs, Cheryl