24 travel 'rules' to follow--or else

[OceanAngel]

By John Flinn, San Francisco Chronicle. John Flinn is the travel editor of the San Francisco Chronicle

Published June 24, 2007

In the interest of streamlining and enhancing the experience for all American travelers, the following rules will take effect immediately:

1. Henceforth all rental car companies shall be required to provide laminated cheat sheets explaining how to turn on and off the headlights, windshield wipers, heater/AC and stereo system, and how to adjust seats, etc.

2. Aforesaid cheat sheet must also indicate which side the gas cap is on.

3. At scenic overlooks, ancient ruins and other points of high traffic, tourists attempting to frame and focus a photograph must not keep others waiting more than five seconds.

4. Every American citizen has the constitutionally protected right to walk into any McDonald's, anywhere in the world, and use the restroom -- even without buying something.

5. Bed-and-breakfast inns are hereby prohibited from posting more than five house rules (i.e., "Do not feed your happy-hour cheddar cubes to the tropical fish," etc.).

6. Theme park rides must offer the parents of exuberantly acquisitive children an alternative exit that doesn't pass through the gift shop.

7. All hotel room lights shall henceforth be controlled by big, obvious switches that can be found in the dark.

8. Hotel nightstand light bulbs must emit sufficient wattage for guests to read the type in books and magazines.

9. School groups are permitted at museums and historic sights a maximum of one day per week, and that day must clearly be indicated on signs so everyone else can stay out of earshot.

10. School groups checking into hotels must consent to all members being gagged for the duration.

11. Cruise lines are hereby required to play only location-appropriate music -- i.e., no steel drums in Hawaii, no "Banana Boat" during the Inland Passage.

12. Dirty room-service dishes placed in hotel hallways must be removed within 30 minutes.

13. Henceforth abolished are all "resort fees," "fuel surcharges," "port fees" and other non-negotiable fees.

14. As maids prepare a hotel room for the next guest, they must turn off all alarm clocks.

15. Restroom attendants are hereby abolished. Most of us have mastered the use of these facilities by the age of 2.

16. Bottles of water in hotel rooms must carry signs clearly indicating whether these are free.

17. In subways, buses and hotel elevators, riders are required to let those inside step out before trying to shoulder their way in.

18. Thick, light-blocking hotel drapes must close completely, with a little overlap.

19. As in airports, visitors to museums, ancient ruins, theme parks and other attractions are hereby forbidden from pausing at choke points to gape in wonder, consult their guidebook, gather their wits, wait for the rest of their party, fumble with their audio guides or scratch their heads and/or other body parts.

20. Once you've schlepped your luggage from your front hall to the airport shuttle to the check-in desk to the overhead bin to the arrivals hall to the taxi to the front door of your hotel, it is illegal for the bellhop to carry it the last 10 feet to the front desk and expect a tip.

21. While we're on the subject, all tipping is hereby abolished.

22. At hotel and cruise ship swimming pools, no one older than 10 or in excess of 120 pounds is permitted to perform a belly flop or can opener.

23. It is henceforth a felony for residents of travel destinations to tell newly arrived visitors that they really should have been here last week, because the weather was brilliant.

24. It is an aggravated felony, punishable by up to five years' hard time in federal prison, for said residents to add, "But we really need the rain."

---------

John Flinn is the travel editor of the San Francisco Chronicle

http://www.chicagotribune.com/travel/chi-f...=chi-travel-hed

[Chucksta63]

ROTFL...Great....Thanks Bev!

[cruisetarp]

Very funny especially #14. Thanks for the Monday morning laugh

[TheSkipper]

As a frequent traveler, flyer, cruiser, I loved them all.

[TheSkipper]

I would like to add another:

25. Anyone who delays a cruise ship shore excursion bus by not returning promptly shall be required to make their own way back to the ship, or as an alternative be run over by said bus.