Lessons in luxury cruise etiquette

OceanAngel · July 8, 2007

My husband and I, to celebrate attaining the age of Social Security checks, spent some time on what turned out to be a rather luxurious cruise ship.

It took some getting used to. There were three elegant dining rooms, but we usually elected to eat from the more casual buffet.

Entering the room, we would be greeted effusively by various cheerful people in blue-flowered smocks -- downright depressing at breakfast time, when people usually know not to speak to me before I've had coffee.

We were never allowed to touch any food. (I think it had something to do with Bird Flu.) The first night I started to create my own Caesar salad -- all the ingredients were just sitting there on a table.

But no. "MADAME!" cried Salad Man, as he swooped in, snatched plate and utensils from my sinning hands, and dexterously did his duty.

I also offended Meat Man when I handed him a plate from the wrong pile. "Madame this plate is CHILLED. There are WARM plates for warm food." Who knew?

At all the food stations you were expected to point and say, "One of those," or "Some of that," or "Three slices of pineapple -- no, no papaya, thank you."

(This actually turned out to be a good thing weight-watching-wise. You might sneak six cookies onto your own plate, but you certainly aren't going to tell somebody else to do it for you.)

Then someone would usually remove the plate from your hand and escort you to your table. The chair was pulled out (you were allowed to sit on it by yourself); the plate was carefully arranged on the table and the napkin in your lap.

As you ate, food people lurked about, refilling water glasses or coffee cups after every sip, and checking customer satisfaction. "How is the dinner tonight, Madame, Sir?" they would murmur, and then they'd drift off whispering, "Thank you," no matter what you had answered.

They fell all over themselves thanking you when you left, which was kind of weird. I wasn't accustomed to having people thank me for eating lunch.

There were rules for the 860 passengers aboard this ship. Dress was "country club casual." What did that mean? I never belonged to a country club. (We soon figured out it meant pretty much whatever you wanted it to, as long as you didn't wear shorts or T-shirts in the main dining room.)

We could not throw anything overboard or leave anything visible on our little veranda. (I once brazenly dried some underwear out there, carefully sewing it to a chair so it wouldn't blow overboard.)

We were discouraged from sticking pencils, little drink umbrellas or other objects between the leering teeth of the china camels sitting on a table near the dining room. (A pity -- the dental gaps were so tempting . . .)

The posh spa offered kelp wraps, Ionithermie (whatever that is), cellulite reduction, assorted massages and exfoliation with lime and ginger salt glow. (A mere shampoo and blow-dry cost a minimum $47 -- so I never set foot in the place.)

When the shops are called boutiques, I know I'm in trouble. I wanted postcards and souvenir key chains. The two on board offered fine jewelry, $237 sunglasses, and extravagant designer clothing.

All this luxury and over-the-top service kind of annoyed us at first.

Then, unfortunately, we adapted. We relished having our bed made up with clean sheets while we did the daily puzzles in the ship library after breakfast.

I appreciated the fresh kelp conditioner provided in our bathroom.

It was handy to have our ice bucket filled twice a day by unseen hands, and our used dishes whisked away at meals almost before we finished eating.

My husband found himself getting positively surly one morning when he had to carry his own plate from the buffet to our table and put his napkin into his lap, and then his orange juice was a bit slow in coming.

I even got so accustomed to cheerful, eager-to-please people that I suggested my husband hire one to wander around our home smiling and calling me "Madame."

But certainly not before I've had my coffee.

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JoeyandDavid · July 8, 2007

funny.... very nice piece..

Peddler · July 8, 2007

Well that's kinda over the top for me...a good breakfast burrito and a Styrofoam cup of coffee will do just fine.

Thank You

sailingrose · July 8, 2007

Some of that sounds kinda nice.......But I agree coffee first!

I'm not a morning person until I've had my coffee

hazelson · July 9, 2007

Sign me up for the coffee first club as well please :o)

TheSkipper · July 9, 2007

Sounds like our Silver Seas cruise. I found I had to return to our room to watch our cabin stewardess, who looked like Brit Ecklund on her hands and knees scrubbing our teak balcony.

I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Well, someone had to make sure she did it right! :rolleyes2:

Joanandjoe · July 9, 2007

With 860 PAX and a dress code, Angel is probably referring to Crystal. It does sound like our "luxury" cruise on the line that is now called Regent (Radisson wehen we sailed.) Even before my morning tea, I'd rather have a cheery server than a gloomy one.

Actually, Regent spoiled us so much that normal service on Celebrity, our next cruise after Regent, seemed not up to standard (even though it was probably quite good).